For thirty two years I carried a
terrible and horrible burden. I was too mortified to ever speak a
word of it, and kept it in deadening silence. I was ashamed of my
darkest childhood secret, as I locked it up deep within the darkest
realms of my heart. As the life sped by me, I spent half of my energy
denying the existence of my darkest fear. I thought it would just go
away, but it never did. That was until she slipped into my life on
the summer of 2013.
In the summer of 2014 I had my first
kiss on the cheek from my new lady friend. As our sweet friendship
blossomed, she gave me her pink “Best Friends Forever” bracelet
and I accepted. One day I was emotional because I was scared that
she would leave me, and to reassure me she offered me her favorite
silvery flower shaped glittery ring. I became mortified at the sight
of that thing and refused. I hurt her, but I begged her for
forgiveness. I wrote her a page and a half long letter by hand
regarding how rings trigger suppressed memories of my childhood
nightmares. My shameful rotten secret had been exposed for the first
time.
When I was two years old up to
eleven, I had these daily nightmares where a woman with rings was
abusing me and abandoning me. I had visions of a hand that had a ring
on it, and this hand would beat me up to inflict bodily damage on me.
However, the ring was so glittery, sparkly, and I always wanted to
touch it. I wanted to hold her hand with the ring, but she would
always strike me like a lightning bolt. She would slap away my little
hand, hit me on the face, and push me backwards on the floor.
I also remember running to her to
be held and cuddled, but she walked away to her room and slammed the
door in my face. I was standing alone in the room shaking, sobbing,
and screaming. That was the earliest I remember feeling unloved and
scared of abandonment. One time I remember she grabbed the hair on
the back of my head to bang my face against the edge of the dining
table in an aggressive and torturous manner. I was sickened and
paralyzed having these nightmares haunting me in my waking hours.
After turning eleven, my nightmares started to vanish. However, the
rings still made me feel fearful because it reminded me of that evil
female.
Every time I saw someone wear a ring,
I was flooded with my childhood terrors all over again.I felt numb in my head, my arms and
legs. I felt emotionally and mentally paralyzed, and I felt all of my
insides tensing up at the sight of them. Of course it wasn't my
mother, but this caused me to have a strained relationship with her.
Now that I'm thirty three years old, the nightmares are gone, and I'm
mature to understand that I'm not in danger from people wearing these
things on their hands. These things still instill horror and distrust
in me. This is something that mortified me as a child, and I still
have scars to this day.
She said that she forgave me, but that
I never trusted that she liked me, or that she was my friend. She was
right. I never trusted her, and I repeatedly told her in tears that
she would abandon me just like that female from my nightmares. It is
extremely hard for me to trust that anyone will ever love me, and I
spent all of my college years more convinced that I would die
unloved. I still thought she cared, that I mattered to her, and that
I was part of her life. I grew to care about her, but I don't think
she knew. A month later she did abandon me and cut me out of her
life. I didn't blame her. I'm nature's freak and an abomination. I
didn't blame her at all, as she was always a loving and caring angel
to me.
I would have easily gave up my hearing
aids, my art, my writings, my job, and my life to turn back time. Not
only I would have taken the ring, but I would have held and kissed
her hand. Sometimes at night I wish I would rather have perished from
this toxic world, than having to spend the rest of my life regretting
losing someone like her. I did always tell her that her hugs made me
feel safe and protected. I just wanted to curl up in a fetal position
on my wooden floor under my red glow of light, and cry myself to
sleep. I wished upon the stars above that I will never ever wake up
again in a world without her. A perfect way....to say goodbye,
sayonara, dosvidania, aloha, shalom, and adieu.
For thirty two years I carried a
terrible and horrible burden. I was too mortified to ever speak a
word of it, and kept it in deadening silence. I was ashamed of my
darkest childhood secret, as I locked it up deep within the darkest
realms of my heart. As the life sped by me, I spent half of my energy
denying the existence of my darkest fear. I thought it would just go
away, but it never did. That was until she slipped into my life on
the summer of 2013. I would have easily gave up my hearing
aids, my art, my writings, my job, and my life to turn back time. Not
only I would have taken the ring, but I would have held and kissed
her hand. Sometimes at night I wish I would rather have perished from
this toxic world, than having to spend the rest of my life regretting
losing someone like her. I did always tell her that her hugs made me
feel safe and protected. I just wanted to curl up in a fetal position
on my wooden floor under my red glow of light, and cry myself to
sleep. I wished upon the stars above that I will never ever wake up
again in a world without her. A perfect way....to say goodbye,
sayonara, dosvidania, aloha, shalom, and adieu. 