Nightmares of Childhood Abuse

          For thirty two years I carried a terrible and horrible burden. I was too mortified to ever speak a word of it, and kept it in deadening silence. I was ashamed of my darkest childhood secret, as I locked it up deep within the darkest realms of my heart. As the life sped by me, I spent half of my energy denying the existence of my darkest fear. I thought it would just go away, but it never did. That was until she slipped into my life on the summer of 2013.

                 In the summer of 2014 I had my first kiss on the cheek from my new lady friend. As our sweet friendship blossomed, she gave me her pink “Best Friends Forever” bracelet and I accepted. One day I was emotional because I was scared that she would leave me, and to reassure me she offered me her favorite silvery flower shaped glittery ring. I became mortified at the sight of that thing and refused. I hurt her, but I begged her for forgiveness. I wrote her a page and a half long letter by hand regarding how rings trigger suppressed memories of my childhood nightmares. My shameful rotten secret had been exposed for the first time.

             When I was two years old up to eleven, I had these daily nightmares where a woman with rings was abusing me and abandoning me. I had visions of a hand that had a ring on it, and this hand would beat me up to inflict bodily damage on me. However, the ring was so glittery, sparkly, and I always wanted to touch it. I wanted to hold her hand with the ring, but she would always strike me like a lightning bolt. She would slap away my little hand, hit me on the face, and push me backwards on the floor.

                I also remember running to her to be held and cuddled, but she walked away to her room and slammed the door in my face. I was standing alone in the room shaking, sobbing, and screaming. That was the earliest I remember feeling unloved and scared of abandonment. One time I remember she grabbed the hair on the back of my head to bang my face against the edge of the dining table in an aggressive and torturous manner. I was sickened and paralyzed having these nightmares haunting me in my waking hours. After turning eleven, my nightmares started to vanish. However, the rings still made me feel fearful because it reminded me of that evil female.

                Every time I saw someone wear a ring, I was flooded with my childhood terrors all over again.I felt numb in my head, my arms and legs. I felt emotionally and mentally paralyzed, and I felt all of my insides tensing up at the sight of them. Of course it wasn't my mother, but this caused me to have a strained relationship with her. Now that I'm thirty three years old, the nightmares are gone, and I'm mature to understand that I'm not in danger from people wearing these things on their hands. These things still instill horror and distrust in me. This is something that mortified me as a child, and I still have scars to this day.

                She said that she forgave me, but that I never trusted that she liked me, or that she was my friend. She was right. I never trusted her, and I repeatedly told her in tears that she would abandon me just like that female from my nightmares. It is extremely hard for me to trust that anyone will ever love me, and I spent all of my college years more convinced that I would die unloved. I still thought she cared, that I mattered to her, and that I was part of her life. I grew to care about her, but I don't think she knew. A month later she did abandon me and cut me out of her life. I didn't blame her. I'm nature's freak and an abomination. I didn't blame her at all, as she was always a loving and caring angel to me.

   I would have easily gave up my hearing aids, my art, my writings, my job, and my life to turn back time. Not only I would have taken the ring, but I would have held and kissed her hand. Sometimes at night I wish I would rather have perished from this toxic world, than having to spend the rest of my life regretting losing someone like her. I did always tell her that her hugs made me feel safe and protected. I just wanted to curl up in a fetal position on my wooden floor under my red glow of light, and cry myself to sleep. I wished upon the stars above that I will never ever wake up again in a world without her. A perfect way....to say goodbye, sayonara, dosvidania, aloha, shalom, and adieu.